Aunty M (Meira Kumar)

Hello, Auntyji

Aunty I still remember Bhajiyaas which you made when I didnt visit your home, which unluckily I never did. But I am sure that those bahjiyas of yours must have cast its spell on Aunty S. And now by the virtue of the spell casted by your divine bhajiyaas, you find yourself in a very big room half filled with savages and half filled with people who think why are they sitting with savages and making both savages and non savages shout like they are in kindergarten. Aunty with all my love for the feminism and more importantly for you, I am worried, deeply worried. Neither your stin in IFS and nor as a politician has ever taught you to control agitated savages. And with the soft un-noticeable voice, I think that big room should look for a sound engineer, where what you say can be altered into high pitch or low pitch as per requirement, and for fun when few speeches go really boring then you can try the chipmunk style also. If you wish then I can surely provide you with few competent people for the job. But yes, your quasi robotic inaudible without any pitch shallow voice may just not work with those savages who are accustomed to nothing but very loud noise, and all they can filter out of noise is their praise. I know you are not weak, but your fashion sense is yukkk…what has happened to you, aunty ji…DILLI ghum lo…and if you need some assistance then I have few friends in Delhi who can help you find some good saari shops. How is everyone in family, I think they must be happy with this new responsibility you have got, which not only require patience but insouciance for successful term. Yours only, Beta K

Bo

Hello Bo,

I know people will in general be astounded by the fact that I am writing this letter to you in english and hoping that you will understand it. To all those underminers, I would like to tell, “You $#t bags, you dont know what Bo is capable of doing.”

Bo, I am terribly sorry for not being in contact for so long, and could also not send you a congratulatory note on being the first of your kind to be that kind. But you also havent earned any brownies by not informing about your decision of adopting a family. With this letter I would like to break that thin layer of ice which distance and work has created between us. I hope it works… [legs crossed ]. Well, I would also like to appreciate your nice gesture of adopting the first family of United States of America, it must be a nice feeling for you and them too.

Over here, I feel slightly disgruntled for few things. Like, how blasphemous it is of your adopted male member(AMM), who tries to take credit of policy making, where I know that its you and your sound advice thats behind various international policies. You Af-Pak policy is a gem of a policy, you must have inspired him for distinguishing between good and bad taliban, as only a dog like you, sitting in house like you adopted male member have can take such decisions. There are few more things, like your male member taking all the lime light and leaving you only to move in lawns, but I am sure flowers over there, must be being manured well by you. Beside all these minor issues, the thing that has hurt me most is how blatantly is you wonder brain is being ignored at that place. Which is evident by misplaced economical policies and pale face for international peace.

I know of of no one who adjure about peace as you do, and can come next only to Mahatma Gandhi. In spite of this fact, your AMM, can only transcode what you tell him in Cani-tongue and not implement it.

I have to write more, but time isnt permitting me to do so, but since I have broken the thin wall of ice, I am hoping for a prompt reply from you. I promise you that in my next letter I would tell you more about things on my side, which might be percolating on your side through “silly media thing” ( as you once said).

Ahh one more thing, kindly suggest some one like you for maybe not as efficient as you are for our re-elected PM.

Yours Truly,

Kartik Trivedi [Ko Ko for you ]

Somnath Chaterjee

Mr Speaker Sir,

I today do not have sarcasm to dish out for you. I only have tiny wee bit of praise for you. Its good to see some one stand on ethical ground when every one is following barter trade of MPs. Sir it really seem nice to see some one stand tall and what he think is right. You were bestowed with a responsibility which is above your in party responsibilities, and stuck to the moral ground…Thats the way to go. I dont know about any sins you did, or any of your great deeds, but as far as your recent decision is concerned, you did a great job. Best of luck for tomorrow…

Yours Truly

Kartik Trivedi

Shibu Soren

Hi,

How are you, in one of the most gleefull times you ever had ‘ how wre you’ must be seeming like unwanted question. But what can we do, we Indians are prone to ask few senseless question in senseless times. Shibu, I just heard on a news channel that you are going to support congress in the forthcoming (that is day after tomorrow) electoral drama. I felt great that atleast one person utlised his seat in lok sabha for country. It is our priviledge to have leaders like you. The confidence you exuded in your TV interview showed that you are not suffering from TB, and ther would be no sudden health diminution as it alwasy happens whenever you are booked under any of your crime you have supposedly done.

Shibu, (or is it Shiboo- never felt like asking you) both of us know about the chemistry we share, and both of us know that what both of us want from each other, and you bet, you are dilivering each bit of it. Like I said, you did a wonderful job by picking up your side from the pack. But I only want to know what bargain have you got. Being a freind you should have at the least asked me for some advice regarding the bargain, and I am really feeling hurt as you didnt. Something must have prompted you to do so, I think you are not keeping good company.

Shibu, in all these days you havent even bothered to tell me as how you were acquitted from the murder case. I mean you never told me about that bargain. After seeing your bargaining skills I am sure Bhabhi Jee must be having few ravishing banarasi sarees which you must have either bargained from your friends in UP or from shops, in both of the cases it would have been free. If Congree wins the confidence vote, and you get a ministry (coal; i suppsose) and with that a house in Delhi, I would always seek your company whenever I visit Palika Bazaar, man you would be awesome there, I am a really bad bargainer.

Coming to another important topic, do you really know why congress is such a fix or were you just busy teaching the art of bargaining to your pupils. Ahh no its not about Soniya jee’s alien roots, its about my energy needs being fulfilled by nuclear energy. I know you have already bargained your local electricity department to not to have electricity bills dropped at your doorsteps, or for that matter never leaving the door of eletrcity department. Some how I havent been able to chalk out such a bargain with Bhopal electricity department. Hey you were a teacher in school, werent you, thanks god you left teaching else we wouldnt have seen such a master bargainer. This also shows that god listen to smaller ones.  So where were we, yes about nuclear energy. Government Of India sans Left has gone into a deal with US sans you, so pathetically idiotic…they are looking for you now, when they need you just as a seat. They must have sought your help when they were bargaining for a better deal, hmm these foolish congressmen, never understood your true worth. Leave the crap, I think you have just taken the right decesion to take side of your seat, as we might just get nuclear energy in coming ten years rahter than twenty, ans Jharkand will surely have you Son/Daughter as their CM sans electricity.(Too al those who do not know Shibu, he was nat a teacher of science, bad at it, so I never felt like telling him about nuclear physics.)

Shibu I just hope that in your busy life in and out of Jail/Parliyament/House/Hospital/ and most importantly your Baragaing class you do not forget me, the one who gave you the book, ‘Art of Bargaining’. And with the ending note of your long life I also want to tell you that I am waiting for the first copy of ‘Babuan guide to Best Bargain’.

Yours Truly,

Kartik Trivedi.

Note : (not for you shibu) this post is all because of Abhishek Agarwal, he reminded me that I havent written letters to my friends and this is an urgent time to do so. Thanks mate, and from now on I try to write a letter a week.

Narrendra Modi

This time, yes only this time, I was pondering really hard to whom should I write another letter. You fitted the bill Mr.Modi. I know one thing that by know my letters are popular enough for the warmth they contain. Somehow, I am not being able to bring that piece of warmth from my heart. I have rather mixed bag of feelings for you Mr. Modi. We Indians might not be the largest drinker of beers but when it come to “Shankpushpi” we gulp it in gallons, and still the result remains the same, we forget far more often. I think I am regressing from the the main motive of this letter, ‘you’, and that too in such a time, when your are busiest.

I mentioned that I have mixed bag of feelings for you, I feel that there must be a very intelligent brain inside your head, which is smart enough to bring large business houses to invest in your state. The other part of bag holds the very same grudge which is in every mind of your opposition. Since this is election time we are bound to remember the things which happened during last elections…popularly known as Godhra episode.

Lets do some man to man talk, dont you feel even if you had least role in the whole episode, that it was your responsibility to not let happen what happened.  Humanity calls for few things and that includes, thinking of others before self. I dont know what kind of interests you had, as we never had time to sit together and talk about it, but things really dont look good even after some 5 years.

Germany made huge amount of technical progress under Hitler, but still we can not wash the fact that his name will be attached to one of the gruesome crimes made in human history. Isnt there some similarity between you and him, even for that matter, Russia under Stalin, or Bengal under your twin separated at birth Buddha Deb. Great deal of progress was made by every state mentioned, on the cost of humanity. I dont hope to meet you soon, as my exams are going on and I dont have any plans to visit Gujrat( no, no, complete no during elections) any time soon. I still hope that you keep the answers ready for few of my question, not directed to you but  just out of my general curiosity,

Does development can only be made on cost of humanity?

Mr Modi, you need to work great deal to earn some soft corner in my letters. I dont expect you to become Gandhi but I still hope that you realize that elections and your being CM is not the end of the world.

Plainly for You,

Kax

Tendulkar

Dear, Sachin

Sachin, unlike my other letters this is going to be a very short letter.

Its simple…Keep on playing like you are. I have no problem if you get out in 90’s if India is winning. Hey like I always do…Advice…here is one for you…stop reading newspaper. Why…? I know you are smiling…I know mate…Because they are not publishing my letters, and then they dont have anything worth reading to print.

Ciao

Kax

Musharraf (Who else than our beloved Neighbor).

Dear Mushy,

People have problem when I get too personal with them, what can I do, I am like this only. I feel that at this point of time when you are really alone in this global community you will feel these so very personal and lovely words as nectar. Man what in hell were you eating or drinking when you took this F^(%#) up decision. I know, even having such a long time relationship and a very healthy camaraderie you will ask me to shut up citing that its none of my business. Have you gone crazy, you are my beloved neighbor, I have every thing to do with it and with your subjects.

I know power is a beautiful thing which makes people dirty, but why on this planet do you feel that you on your not so big shoulders and a small brain( when compared to mine) that you can turn the fate of your nation in a very small time period and that to by a very undemocratic manner. When your subjects see that their friends in here, can bash their leaders in a free nation like India freely then they feel like killing people like you. I dont want you to be dead, at least not now. Even if we take that power is necessary to you like your uniform being your exoskeleton (pseudo armadillo) then too, you need to extend emergency for a longer period, say 2 years. Whats the damn logic in keeping it short, bringing in a puppet caretaker government so early and then elections by January? You are wasting your nations resources and your brain, dont do it, just dont do it. Mushy, sit, take some deep breaths, and think…you need power and respect that was the reason you took that seat. Pakistani people like Indians have short memory, and the so called American pressure will go down as their elections are nearing, extend the bloody election as long as possible. I personally dont see any need for emergency, but if you really think it is right ( by the way what were your logics?) then there is no need for elections right now.

See, I tell you the action plan, postpone the elections, give your speech to nation( yours not mine ) on 1st of January and tell your people that since the situation of your nation is still not under control {read: your control (when were they in control?)} so you can not conduct elections now, and give them some vague date lets say 23 May, my birthday. People will come on road, burn buildings, dont worry none of them were made by you, they will die, take 3 deep breaths, they are not your kin. If you see problems are increasing and people are making some wonderful plans to kill you, then go for a foreign trip, on pretext that you want others to understand your problem. This will serve two purpose, 1. You will get international limelight, 2. Their security is better than yours, you will be secure there. By the time you return, things will be calmer, people would have already wasted there ammunitions. Hey, a word of caution, there can be “Takhta Palat”, so to avoid it, feed your subordinates and every time you go outside do make it a point that you visit your Switzerland based account and put some more cash and kind in there. If your detractors become successful in “Takhta Palat” dont worry…you are not in Pakistan, take refuge in some better and calmer place, which means any other nation than Pakistan, dude you already have enough money for you and your family.

Its a friends job to give right advice, so I have done my job, but my Mom is really angry with you. You never felt it necessary to inform us about your plans. One more thing, why do you say that it was the most difficult decision of your life, you always wanted emergency. When you said, “… I stand by it because I think (?) it was in the national interest…” I was impressed, and I think you can go to the extent and say that when you pee its in your nations interest.

Mushy, my exams are around the corner and they are lot more tricky than your countries situation, hope you understand my situation and dont take my cutting short of this letter otherwise.

Waiting for our reply.

Yours Truly

Kax

Hugh Hefner

Dear Hef,

Many of my friends even do not know your name.  They will in most probable cases condemn me writing you a letter. For many of those Hippocrates, what I am doing is nothing bu praising a person who spreads nudity. But to me, you are god of porn. Personally I havent read any of your magazines, and telling you frankly, I even dont find an honest urge to read them from inside. If given an option then I will plainly deny to come in your shoes, because I dont find myself strong enough to replicate what you did till now. I am still confused over the importance of porn in society, so I can be judgmental on  your job.

Hef, but tell me one thing frankly and honestly, do you really think that there could have no other thing which you could have done in a much better way than what you have done with Playboy. If you dont find it, then I must praise you harder, and ther must be many things to learn from. You made a Playboy a household name, and much brighter than your competitors. When ever we get time to meet, I would certainly like to ask you about the mantra of your success. My praise should not be taken for your magazines, as I still find them very useful, I think that there could have been better use of those pages than what you are doing, but my praise is for you. I am praising you, on how you made a successful industry with respect. Whenever, and honestly I would really like to meet you in personal, I would ask you large number of questions, many of them might be nothing but repetitions, but few would certainly be original.

Today I am really short of time, so I am cutting this letter short and hoping for your good health.

Yours Truly

Kax

Late Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi.

Dear Gandhi,

I never met you, but still you are very much a part of our life. We Indians have a international hero in you. Mr. Gandhi I don’t know how much would have I liked your policies, but indeed they proved very helpful in getting Indian independence. I am not writing letter for telling you how much successful you were, and much you are admired in present era, but my reasons are different. I want to tell you that besides being a great person and a legend, you are world wide brand. And what do you sell, you are selling many things internationally including India, and peace. Mr.Gandhi, things have turned a great deal after your demise, things arent as social as you would have liked, they are very capitalist, the people you rooted for, the Indian living in village is still not far from where you left them. Sir things are going in right direction for them too, but it is slow, it is taking time to trickle fruits of power and development to them.

I also think that you wouldnt have been as successful as you were in that era if you are made to come up in this one. But like all the great people, things can turn on their head when people like you get into matters. Hey do you know that your brand, the Gandhi brand is international face for peace. But I dont know why do police department hang your photos inside police stations, when they have nothing to do with peace. Mr Gandhi, the congress you left is no more, and you must read the newspapers as its a  too long a history and you will only find mentally crippled people running the state, barring few.

I dont have any complains against you, but still somewhere in my heart I feel that you could have done few things better. This letter is very imotional on my part as I know that you are no more to read this, but where ever  you are, try to reincarnate and do few things which are necessary, or if you find that too tedious, then guide me.

Yours Sincerely

Kax.

Raam

Subject: You and and your Godhood.

Raam, is this OK with you, if I dont use Ji after your name? I dont think it will matter to you much. So for this letter(at least) I will refer you as Raam. This is indeed first letter to you, but we have been in touch since time immemorial and see what an apt time it is to write you a letter, when it is not a good season for you. You have always stood by our side, and now I think its our turn to stand by your side. But again the question arises, is it important for us to stand by your side? Probably yes or who knows you might feel otherwise.

God or no God you were indeed a nice person, who messed with his life after a great war. I dont know why sent you wonderful wife to Vanwaas, but there must be some solid reasons behind, as you were always a level headed person. Barring that I think what you did was almost correct. Now after I dont know how many years, because ASI or for that any archaeological evidence havent pointed out any year in the history when you took your birth, like what you mate did(JC), people are saying that you are not true and just a mere fiction. Oh my God you must be really feeling bad( but you are God). Ramsetu, the bridge you created( or natural forces did) is also being questioned, whether it was really created for, by you…or anything including you. People are also questioning, about your education, they want to know about the engineering college from which you studied, They are thus questioning Vishwamitra University of All sciences. Any you must be laughing hard at those people, who might not be able to produce a valid certificate of them passing there college.

What I suggest is that you should come and settle few things, like tell them that even the one who made large buildings in medieval India didnt passed from any engineering college because if they would have, then they might not have stood the test of seasons and time. Raam, you are very much like Amir Khan, who does no prefer coming up in media and clearing all air up, but I will still insist that you come down and clear the things, whatever they may be. Things might not turn good for you, as you might see black flags, and mass rallies against you, and even the women rights activist might ask for you trial as per Indian Penal Code, I thus make sure that I will avail you best of the best of the best… lawyer to fight for you. Who knows you might be tried for the various murders you did in cold blood, when you were not the king, man you would be in grave danger, but I assure you that I will, though not as good as Hanuman, get the best support you can get. Things might even get tougher because there is already a property case (your birth place) for which your statement would be extremely important. When ever you plan to come to make a priority list, otherwise you might end up in a jam, as there are still many fans and lovers for you.

I from my level can at my best give you my minuscule support and hope that God gives you strength to fight against the questions which are against your very existence. Hoping to see you in near future.

Yours Truly

Kax.